Ruminations

Wednesday, Jul. 02, 2003
10:41 AM

Reading so many diaries this week that express frustration and pain over the SCA, I am saddened and a little disturbed, but in a weird way, it has helped me let go of my own frustration from my experiences on Saturday. I had a conversation with someone, about a matter that I'm really not even involved in, except that it is negatively affecting a friend's ability to do her job and carry out her vision. This bothers me - I feel that very few people are willing to listen to a new idea and consider the possibility that it might not be catastrophic. It isn't my fight, but I got wrapped up in it and it weighed heavily on my mind for a couple of days.

Reading others' accounts of their difficulties, however, made me realize that I have no real reason to get spun up about something that's not going to either remove money from my bank account or do me bodily harm (to paraphrase Thomas Jefferson). I was able to let go of my frustration and focus on other things, like my mosaic work and my costuming plans. I think that also getting back to my regular routine and having some time to myself helped me get back to feeling like myself again. I needed some time to recharge the batteries, as Dame Anne would say.

The SCA is a weird critter. It is only a game, but then, it's not. Most people do get heavily involved in their hobbies/interests, whether it's motorcycles or birdwatching, but in the SCA there's a much more intense layer of emotion laid over everything. Our friends become like family, we celebrate others' achievements as we would our own, we make gestures both subtle and grand to show how important these people, milestones and traditions are to us. Unfortunately, this layer of emotion runs the other way as well - a disagreement becomes a vendetta, a dislike becomes a grudge. I think the intensity is often just too much for us to withstand, so we need a break. Sometimes, for some people, it becomes too much, and they leave for good altogether. A quiet and peaceful life outside the SCA becomes more appealing than the high level of intense involvement that so often brings with it pain and trouble.

I don't have any clue how to fix this. I'm one of those types who believe that people are basically good, maybe misguided sometimes, but essentially OK people. So much of the political trouble in the SCA can be attributed to mis- or non-communication. (I've been a seneschale twice, trust me on this.) I don't know how to make people work together, talk together or communicate better, though. I have tried ordering people to do it... didn't work. (OK, maybe "ordering" is a strong word... how about "emphatically suggesting"?) People are stubborn.

Awards... they can really mess with people's heads, even after they have been bestowed. I believe that awards are less about power and prestige and more about identity. People say, "I am a fighter/fencer/artisan/servant. I want to be the best fighter/fencer/artisan/servant I can be." But once they start to improve, and get to a level where they are better at what they do than others, they start to look for affirmation of that from the rest of the group. If that affirmation doesn't come as quickly as they would like, they start to question their identity as a fighter/fencer/artisan/servant. "Maybe I am not the f/f/a/s I thought I was." But, in typical human fashion, they will seek to place the blame elsewhere rather than on themselves, not realizing that regardless of what jewelry they wear, they are still a f/f/a/s. It is still who and what they are, and they should not look to others to validate that.

This is certainly something I have struggled with myself. It is human nature to want outside validation of your achievements. I have been through the "ugly place" a couple of times, but am learning to recognize that I know I have improved in my work, that I am learning the things I want to learn and that that is who I am. It is hard to keep that in mind sometimes, but I'm trying. Like my art, I am a work in progress.

I am in a pretty good place in the SCA right now. I have a lot of things I want to do A&S wise, I am pleased and honored to be able to serve Her Highness, and I'm getting to spend time with good friends on a regular and frequent basis. Another thing that gives me great pleasure is seeing my sweetie having a good time. Even I, who have never put on armor, can tell how much he has improved on the field, and it makes me proud. It makes me happy to see him happy with his fighting and finally comfortable in his role in the SCA. Really, that is all I could ask for.

Anyway, them's my two denari (or four)...

And, last but not least - congratulations to Master Nikulai! Couldn't be more deserved.

Ciao!