Emotional Joy vs. Physical Misery

Monday, Feb. 10, 2003
4:03 PM

I am glad to read everyone's diaries about the weekend and how much fun they had. It seems that it was really a great time and I'm happy to see so many of my friends so excited and even uplifted by the things that happened.

That said, there were only two reasons I left my comfy couch on Friday to journey down to NC: Roland and Andrew. If it were not for the two of them being elevated, I would not have gone to Ymir. From a medical standpoint, I probably shouldn't have gone at all. But I was not going to miss their elevations for anything.

Unfortunately, most of the weekend for me was about pain. Cold and pain. I could have stood the cold, could have handled it along with everyone else, if not for the four gaping holes in my head. I was still very swollen and had bruises on both sides of my jaw from the surgery. We weren't on site for ten minutes before my face started to ache, and it just got worse from there. I managed to hold it together for quite a while, just trying to hang out with people and keep my mind off the pain as long as possible. I got to visit briefly with Roland on his vigil, which was very important to me, but I didn't stay long as I'd kind of snuck in and there were a lot of other people still waiting.

By the time they brought Andrew down, my feet were frozen despite two pairs of socks and good boots, and my entire jaw was in agony. I'd taken my pain meds but only one as I knew I was running low. Mungo said they are less effective in the cold anyway - oh happy joy. I was really on the verge of just losing it completely at this point - I know many people were concerned about me and for that I was grateful, even though there was really nothing anyone could do. Mercifully, I was allowed to cut in line ahead of Gyrth and Melisande to go visit Andrew in his vigil, which was also very important to me. I left Kevin in the tent to give his own advice to Andrew for a minute and then we left to go back to the hotel. I really did lose it on the trudge back up the hill and bawled like an idiot, but Kevin led me by the hand and took care of me and soon I was getting warm in the truck. I desperately needed sleep so I was extremely glad to see the hotel again.

Saturday was better, though only by a little. We got back to site shortly before morning court, to see Roland's Pelican ceremony. I found a seat in the back, on the platform by the heater (which had been turned off for court because it was too noisy). I had hoped to get closer to the ceremony, but there were no seats left that close up and I didn't trust my legs to hold me up the whole time - I was feeling kind of woozy at that point. So the end result was that I (mostly) got to see the ceremony but not hear it. Still, I am glad I was at least there - huzzah and congrats to Master Roland! Well-deserved in my humble opinion.

After court we got Kevin's armor unloaded and a chair set up for me in the household pavilion, though I ended up not using it much. Before long it was time for Andrew's knighting. We weren't really part of the procession but I walked in with Kevin so I could hold Regan for Sorcha during the ceremony. I was kind of in the middle of the crowd, so I could see parts of the ceremony, and hear parts of it, but not all. It made me proud to hear Kevin speak for Andrew, to know that he had thought long and hard over what he was going to say and that he wanted to do right by our friend. It was very touching and I was so proud to be there. I think Andrew's going to make a fantastic knight. So again, huzzah and congrats to Sir Andrew!

After that I went back to the hotel to rest and be warm and comfortable. I was actually feeling OK at that point, the sun had come out and it was almost warm on my face. But I was really stupid tired and I knew I needed a nap. I went back to the hotel, changed into comfy clothes and curled up on the bed for a while. I turned the TV on and was amused to see a show on the History Channel on medieval tournaments. Hey, it's Ymir on TV and I don't have to be cold to watch it! I took more pain meds and slept for a couple of hours. I'm really glad I did, but I really feel like I missed so much of the event. Even when I was there I wasn't really there because so much of my mind was focused on dealing with the pain. I regret not being able to chat with my friends and catch up with people I don't get to see enough. I guess that will have to wait until a later event.

I eventually got out of bed and got dressed again to go back to site. I was really tempted to not go back at all, but I had the truck and Kevin needed to load up his armor and stuff, so off I went. I made it back in time for evening court, to see Tash knighted and a bunch of baronial stuff. I conferred with Thjora and Evja, and we all decided we were freezing and we went back to the hotel to change and get some dinner. We went to a restaurant close to the hotel, where they were totally understaffed but at least the food wasn't bad. I got some fettucine alfredo which was really yummy, especially because it wasn't yogurt or pudding. We had a nice time with Corby & Thjora and Evja, though we were all tired. We hung out for a little while back at the hotel, but Evja had fallen asleep almost as soon as we got back and none of the rest of us were doing much better.

Sunday morning was a leisurely packout and we headed out. I rode home with Shannon in their van and Jason rode back with Kevin in our truck. Shannon and I had a nice long conversation about all kinds of things and the boys talked about fighting (of course). I was feeling somewhat better, in less pain but with a queasy stomach most of the way, like I was carsick or something. We made it home late afternoon and stayed at Jason & Shannon's place for more chatting and dinner, and then Kevin and I headed home for sleep. Whew.

Overall, I have a lot of regret over the weekend and wish it could have been different. I don't know what I could have done differently, because not going wasn't an option. I have a lot of respect for Isobel, who deals with chronic pain on a regular basis and handles it so much better than I did. And I even know the cause of my pain and that it will get better! I don't know how she does it.

Today I'm feeling better, much less pain and the swelling has gone down considerably. I'm still mostly eating squishy foods, but I had some pasta with tomato sauce and mushrooms for lunch - I couldn't resist because it smelled so good. I can't wait to get back to feeling normal again, especially to eating normal foods. Though I think I've lost some weight, my clothes all feel looser. Talk about a crash diet... I'm sure I'll put it all back on once I'm eating real food again though.

I have been a real slug today, just sitting on the couch reading email and diaries and napping. I was thinking about getting some laundry done, but I haven't been too motivated. I need to work on fixing the backsplash, but it's hard to go back to something that was such a disaster. I need to go to the grocery store too.

You know, I am generally a very restrained person when it comes to responding to someone who has said or done something that pissed me off, especially when it comes to email. I am usually a very big believer in responding with politeness, because doing so with sarcasm or biting remarks usually makes the situation worse. I am trying to remember this... in the past week it has been very hard for me to continue responding politely - I have been very frustrated and wanted to respond saying "I did NOT do this just to piss you off so F--- YOU!!" Sometimes I just want to let the f-bomb fly... I know taking the high road is the right thing to do, so I continue to do it, but man I have been tempted to go the other route lately. One situation was where someone emailed me wanting me to subscribe to a website/service where they would sell my mosaic boxes but for a fee of course (like $500/year). The first email was right before I left for Miami and I didn't have time to respond. The second email came while I was gone and then the third email came the day I got back and was in a very snotty tone saying they had sent me three emails but gotten no reply. All this in less than a week! I was so tempted to write back saying "Sorry I didn't write you back fast enough" but decided that was probably not wise so I modified my reply a bit. I had another situation today (I won't go into details as it is SCA oriented) but I was again tempted to say "yes I f'ed up but it was an honest mistake so don't take that tone with me you jerk"... But again I did not and probably for the better. It just annoys me to let these people get away with acting snotty for no reason at all. Somebody please tell me I am doing the right thing... Just had to get that off my chest.

OK, I am going to the store now, we are out of Diet Coke and that is a serious matter which needs to be rectified.

Ciao!